Twenty-Three

I have been on this earth for twenty three years-- Today is my birthday!

One would assume that I have gained more knowledge, more experience, and more memories over the past two decades, which is correct. So many wonderful thoughts and blessings to think back on! However, it seems that is not the only thing I have gained. I have also gained doubts, and fears, and more than anything, a deeper curiosity (sometimes interogation) of God.

Taken from journal entries, here are a few bits of my heart over the years:


Thirteen:

"Today I am feeling alot better about myself...Mom said that some of the most beautiful masterpieces take the longest time to develop. Although it's hard right now, mom said that this will give me great character and I will have lot's of confidence when I grow up. It really made me feel a whole lot better!"

Fourteen:
"Everyone thinks I'm miss perfect and I'm not!!!!"

Fifteen:

"I feel I have no control over my life and my emotions. My struggle is not with drugs or with peer pressure, but it is with myself alone. I don't know where to turn when it is my own self I am running from. How can one trust one's own thoughts when they are the center of concern and problem?"

"I love my daddy very much. That love, although it is always there, has not been the easiest to express...I wish I could take back some of the things I have said and thought. Perhaps, that is why I cannot express the love for my dad so easily. There are still so many unsaid words. I do not know if we will ever clear up some of the issues. No matter what though, I still love my daddy and respect his hard work. Let him know I will always love him very much."

Sixteen:

"What am I going to do with my life? Where are the goals I need to be working towards? How am I going to make it into a college that will feed me on wisdom and truth? Am I going to get enough on a transcript? What will my SAT score be? I need a job, I need a way to pay for education, and I need experience in the real world."

"I believe I have a distored view of my body."

"My dad will never get to see me graduate. He will never be able to say goodbye when I am left at college my first year. He won't walk me down the aisle at my wedding. My dad won't be there for my baby's birth. He won't be in our house or with our family anymore. My dad is gone forever until we meet him in Heaven. How am I supposed to live without my father?"

"My life doesn't feel normal anymore. The world I live in has turned upside down."

Seventeen:

"I can't live like this! No one should have to live like this! A family is meant to have a dad."

"Is it wrong to feel happiness right now? I feel like I am doing something wrong. My dad is dead and here I am having a good time. Can one be sad and happy at the same time?"

Eighteen:

"My struggles are not in vain. They will open my eyes to new found truths and strengths that I would not have seen otherwise. Yes, there are days when I hate life and hate even God. I just pray that hate will not eat me up, but have purpose."

"Today I must have cried a gallon of tears. Thought it would never stop. I begged mom to let me come home. I don't know why I am here or why I felt I needed to get away so badly..."

"I am frustrated with myself. Why must I long for the affection of a young man? Can I not just be happy to be single for a few more years?"

Nineteen:

"How do you know if you've met someone that is The One?"

"I feel like one of those pathetic puppy-love-eyed girls. How is this possible? This doesn't feel like me."

"I'm overwhelmed with sadness and such discouragement. How can I feel so very lonely and different in the midst of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? They make me feel like my passion for the Lord is unrealistic and like anyone who takes faith seriously is a fool. I am tired of being dragged down."

Twenty:

"I have never felt such a longing in my spirit and my soul to be with someone. I ache when we are not together and as soon as I say goodbye, I begin to cry. Love is such a beautiful, deep, intense thing."

"I am not lazy. I am willing to work hard. I just don't want the life sucked out of me."

Twenty-One:

"Since when did "living" mean having people step all over you, working every day, and never really enjoying the world and opportunity and beauty of life? It becomes a grind. A daily sacrifice of everything you have and everything you are. And those who cannot handle being a slave to society do not make it, it seems."

"How come You see Your children desiring, hoping, putting all their innocent trust in You, and You let them fall deeper and deeper into the darkness? How come You give promises to us, and wait ten years for anything to finally come through? How come my spirit and my flesh ache so badly because I just don't want You in my life anymore, God?"

"I wish I was anyone but myself."

Twenty-Two:

"So many promises, so many words of hope, so many dreams are destroyed each and every day. I see that more than ever. My heart doesn't know what to do."

"I have never thought about death as I do know. I think about the end of my life, and how insignificant I have become. Nothing to my name. Nothing worth praise. Nothing good enough to make a difference. Yet, I wonder if my heart will ever let go of what I know about You. I have forgotten my purpose and my meaning in life, yet You have never stopped reminding me of Yours."

"I cannot escape knowing what true love is like, and how it moves me to brighter places. It hurts me more to stop loving than to stop living. Love is all I have left to hold onto and to look unto in my deep tunnels of waste, but you know what? It is strong enough. It is compelling enough. It is worth enough."

Products of Education

I am continually disspointed with the majority of schools today.  Not the concept of school, but the kind of men and woman that it generally produces.  I see many holes in the educational system of this world and crave to be back in an institution that encourages growth as human being, not merely growth in a political or societal position.

A young man by the age of twenty-two and the rest of his out-of-town family came into our home last night. His older brother, who actually lives in Charlotte, is one of my mother-in-laws employees and to our surprise, they all showed up for a brief introduction and visit.  Thank goodness it did not go on for more than an hour or so.

Imagine this.  The young man struts through the door where my husband and I were politely waiting to greet the guests, gives us both hugs, and begins to pace around the floors, look through the windows, touch the countertops and furniture, in a most unusual flighty speed.  He continually repeats to us how nice our house is and questions about who did the fine details of cabinatery, wood flooring, etc.  Barely inside for more than ten minutes, he then asks whether or not we have internet connection...whilst eyeing the laptop sitting in front of us on the kitchen bar.  We offer him the computer and he begins to upload some of his personal YouTube videos to show us.

I was not impressed with this boldness.  Having never met him before, we found it both odd and disrespectful that he should do anything other than sit down and have a normal conversation.  Perhaps try to get to know us? What a concept!

His only interest in us, we soon found, was our current educational status.  "So what are your goals," he began to ask.  "Where are you in school?"  It quickly turned from us back to him. He gave his long list of accomplishments, pointing out that he was graduating with a degree in psychology and hoping to eventually counsel those in mental facitilies.  He stated that as soon as he walked into our home, he was "feeling" us out and trying to locate our present state of comfortability and openness. 

"He, a counselor,"  I laughed to myself. Seemed like the last person I would want to go to with a problem.  And what was his angle, coming into a stranger's place trying to give us a little psychological evaluation? Is that what his classes were teaching him?  Funny how I had so-called "located" him immediately without ever having to run around a room and make myself look like a fool.

Surprised by how much we actually knew about life, he was often giving us high-fives for any exceptional comment we would make or every statement that made sense to him. I noticed him using words like "temple" and "worship" and couldn't help but to see the chuncky silver chain and cross hanging around his neck. Seemed cheap and superficial, considering he would rave about his experiences of being in the presence of the current pop stars.  One time even calling them "kings."

Never once asking about our relationship with the Lord.  Never once asking where we have been in life, spiritually, emotionally, even physically.  His major intent, it seemed, was to spread his fame to us and get us to see how much he could offer the world.  Wanting to be at the top, wanting to get an abundance of wealth, and wanting to be well-known, was all I got from my first impression of him.  One of his professors should have sat him down and trully questioned his motive for getting into a counseling career. And his parents should have sat him down long before that.

I was polite and my gentle smiles hid the true feelings I had towards this young man. We wished him luck as he left with the rest of his family.

Congradulations for him on becoming the exact product public and even some private education encourages: Me, me, me, me, me.

Resoluting Love

A new year has come, and I do not believe I have ever been more ready! This last decade has brought such unrest and bitterness inside me.

Perhaps it is becaue of the depression brought by the death of my father. Perhaps it is because of all the questions I began to ask and no longer being satisfied with simplistic beliefs of my childhood. Perhaps it is just because, being young, one does not realize how tribulation in life will effect one's situation and relationships, but also outlook. Permantly. Naturally. More specifically, the way one see's other human beings and God will never be the same. I often refer to this point as a one's crossroad.

Why was I never taught that in Bible Class?

I have been angry for a while now. I have a great deal of hate for those "good" ole' days and everyone (well, most everyone) involved in my life at that time. Mainly because, where are they now? What good is "good" if is no where to be found when you need it the most? What good is innocence and purity if it cannot reach the depth of the distraught and darkened mind?

All is lost when the Chistian chooses to be useless in the exact moment his Christianity should then take hold. I believe I have seen many useless followers of Christ, and I am ashamed.

C.S. Lewis makes a great point concerning struggles. "Where opression," he says, "does not completely and permantly break the spirit, has it not a natural tendency to produce retaliatory pride and contempt? We reimburse ourselves for cuffs and toils by a double dose of self-esteem. No one is more likely to be arrogant than a lately freed slave."

The death of my father and the personal trials I have faced makes me despise the Church and all its superficial ways. I often dream of smashing the pews and pulpit like Jesus smashed the money-making schemes at the Temple. It makes me want to yell and scream the ignorance that I have seen in my closest of Christian friends and family. "How sad Your people are so stupid," I often cry to Him!

I have never wanted to speak as I do now. To tell what I know and to make others, for once, close their mouths and listen to how much they are wrong. That's right. You Christians can be wrong!

Yet, after months and years of growing in anger, I have started craving something beyond recompensation for everything done against me. Something beyond selfish. Something without that jaded humanity involved so I can finally be free from its destruction and hurt.

I have joyously breathed in the real power of love.

It is love, love without certainty and expectations, that brings me back to where I belong. Not in the streets, clamoring about who should do what or who has not followed the right path, but in my private room...in fellowship with Him.

I guess I suddenly realized this past decade, that I am not meant to be the messenger of right and wrong. I am wrong by birth. I am right, however, by salvation. So if anything, I am meant to be the messenger of salvation in my Father. I am meant to be the messenger of LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I, at least, will reach those broken spirits and tearful homes and allow my Christinaity to flourish.

If He wants to keep us in His presence even after all our sins, why can I not forgive the sin done against me? If I am not ready to look past flaws in others, what makes me so sure I am ready to move past my own? And finally, if I am constantly in anger against God's people, how can I ever be fully focussed to stand in anger against the real Enemy?

2010 has begun, and I am determined to hammer a stake in the fields of the next decade and decide who's side I trully choose to fight for. Not mine. Not my family's. But His Love is the side I choose.

Chopped Thought

This is just a little piece of random writing I found in one of my old notebooks. Thought is was appropriate to share in spite of all the festivities.

While Christmas makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside (believe me, this is my favorite time of year), it is also important, if you call yourself a Child of God, to remember the humbling cause for having the holiday and vacation time at all.

We forget that being on top of our decorations, cookies, gifts, sales, and yearly greeting cards/letters for others is not the point. It is not even a close resemblance to the reason for celebration on the twenty-fifth of the month. Try the cross. Or the blood. Or even a box full of coal. Those are actually more on track.

I hate when people ask me whether I have done all my shopping yet! Not to spoil any parties, but technically, we should not even HAVE the opportunity to be merry much less get silly gifts for...what? Being alive? Being "good?"

The only present I will be shopping for this Christmas is a thankful heart to the One Who allowed me to even have a time of joy with my loved-ones in December...much less the rest of the year.

Christmas Wish

Since I can remember, I have been infatuated with the idea of writing a book. Not a bunch of books or stories. Not merely for the sake of being accomplished or famous. Not to become the next big author or inspirational speaker.

My love for writing has lead me in many directions (journal-writing, blogging, screenplays, poems, essays, etc.), but I have never been able to finish my own personal book. The ideas have been there, but quickly, I have let them pass because I only except perfection. I only want the very best of my life and my views to put on paper. And I desire to express myself with a beauty beyond the ordinary or expected so that when someone picks up my story, he or she will know exactly what kind of person I am...not just my characters or plot.

You see, in my mind, a book is a kind of fingerprint. And there is only one reason to write with such completion, organization, sacrifice, and vulnerability.

I want to leave something of myself behind.

As anything else in life, writing takes dedication and time...not to mention a lot of practice. I am willing to put in the work now. I am ready to start my book. Mistakes will come and dry periods will taunt me, but I have once and for all decided to pursue this single lifelong dream of mine. From this moment on, I will begin to take a journey through my thoughts and my skills that I have never been able to fully complete.

This Christmas, I want a book...my book.

Wish me luck.

My First Words

Today I had an argument with someone I really care about. It was more than an argument, however. It was an opportunity for me to lash out...rather than open up. I feel ashamed and immature.

Here is what I really wanted to say:

I have decided on my purpose in life.

People say I have much to offer as far as skills and talents and wisdom, but that is not who I am. That is simply what I possess. And how easy is it to use those possessions for my own benefit rather than for the benefit of others? People do it all the time-- step all over others and make their way to the top (for just money or status?) no matter how many lives they crush. 

An adult I know, for example, was once a very successful college graduate business man. He was well-liked, well-groomed, and well-compensated for his work. Yet, it was never enough. He decided to cut corners where he could, have another woman on the side, and never really be there for his children because he was busy making his career better. To be even more specific, he took advantage of a family member's disability and stole money for himself.

So is that what college does for people? Make them smart enough to learn how to screw others over and not care enough to turn in a different direction ever? A degree and a career might be a goal of mine, but it certainly is not my purpose. 

I have decided my purpose in life is to be like Jesus. Simple. Sweet. Cliche, in a sense, but very much taken for granted.

You see, Jesus had a very unusual purpose. He was born to give His life. He came into the world, knowing his comfort and his body would be destroyed. He lived among people, realizing they would one day turn against him and rip him apart inside and out. Imagine waking up at night with that on your mind? He knew his purpose from the beginning and what was his advice? Be bitter and only do what's best for you, right? No way.

Love others. Treat them better than yourself. Forgive. Turn the other cheek. Give to Caesar what is due Caesar and give to God what is due God. Judge not. 

No one deserved His blood, but He let it flow freely without ever asking for anything in return. All He wanted was to give others a second chance. What better way to live life than to grow up, get over yourself from the beginning, look past the faults of others, and sacrifice the very breathe in your body whether they appreciate it or not?  

I am by no means perfect, but I long to be a part of something bigger than me. It is not enough for me to get a good degree, land a fabulous job, and have tons of friends to go out with each weekend. It is not enough for me to keep searching for the bigger and the better in my activities or relationships. It is not enough to have good looks, intelligence, and fast metabolism. It is not enough for me to attempt having my life fit in a tidy little box with nothing disrupting it or tainting it's purity. It is enough, however, to realize that I am just as bad as the next person. And by pushing my pride and my needs away and giving all of the good inside me to others (especially the ones that do not deserve it), I become something more than just me.  I become a tiny glimpse of God.

Education fails in that it forgets to teach the number one lesson in life. Nothing in this world is ever enough.