Perhaps it is becaue of the depression brought by the death of my father. Perhaps it is because of all the questions I began to ask and no longer being satisfied with simplistic beliefs of my childhood. Perhaps it is just because, being young, one does not realize how tribulation in life will effect one's situation and relationships, but also outlook. Permantly. Naturally. More specifically, the way one see's other human beings and God will never be the same. I often refer to this point as a one's crossroad.
Why was I never taught that in Bible Class?
I have been angry for a while now. I have a great deal of hate for those "good" ole' days and everyone (well, most everyone) involved in my life at that time. Mainly because, where are they now? What good is "good" if is no where to be found when you need it the most? What good is innocence and purity if it cannot reach the depth of the distraught and darkened mind?
All is lost when the Chistian chooses to be useless in the exact moment his Christianity should then take hold. I believe I have seen many useless followers of Christ, and I am ashamed.
C.S. Lewis makes a great point concerning struggles. "Where opression," he says, "does not completely and permantly break the spirit, has it not a natural tendency to produce retaliatory pride and contempt? We reimburse ourselves for cuffs and toils by a double dose of self-esteem. No one is more likely to be arrogant than a lately freed slave."
The death of my father and the personal trials I have faced makes me despise the Church and all its superficial ways. I often dream of smashing the pews and pulpit like Jesus smashed the money-making schemes at the Temple. It makes me want to yell and scream the ignorance that I have seen in my closest of Christian friends and family. "How sad Your people are so stupid," I often cry to Him!
I have never wanted to speak as I do now. To tell what I know and to make others, for once, close their mouths and listen to how much they are wrong. That's right. You Christians can be wrong!
Yet, after months and years of growing in anger, I have started craving something beyond recompensation for everything done against me. Something beyond selfish. Something without that jaded humanity involved so I can finally be free from its destruction and hurt.
I have joyously breathed in the real power of love.
It is love, love without certainty and expectations, that brings me back to where I belong. Not in the streets, clamoring about who should do what or who has not followed the right path, but in my private room...in fellowship with Him.
I guess I suddenly realized this past decade, that I am not meant to be the messenger of right and wrong. I am wrong by birth. I am right, however, by salvation. So if anything, I am meant to be the messenger of salvation in my Father. I am meant to be the messenger of LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I, at least, will reach those broken spirits and tearful homes and allow my Christinaity to flourish.
If He wants to keep us in His presence even after all our sins, why can I not forgive the sin done against me? If I am not ready to look past flaws in others, what makes me so sure I am ready to move past my own? And finally, if I am constantly in anger against God's people, how can I ever be fully focussed to stand in anger against the real Enemy?
2010 has begun, and I am determined to hammer a stake in the fields of the next decade and decide who's side I trully choose to fight for. Not mine. Not my family's. But His Love is the side I choose.
No comments:
Post a Comment