Twenty-Three

I have been on this earth for twenty three years-- Today is my birthday!

One would assume that I have gained more knowledge, more experience, and more memories over the past two decades, which is correct. So many wonderful thoughts and blessings to think back on! However, it seems that is not the only thing I have gained. I have also gained doubts, and fears, and more than anything, a deeper curiosity (sometimes interogation) of God.

Taken from journal entries, here are a few bits of my heart over the years:


Thirteen:

"Today I am feeling alot better about myself...Mom said that some of the most beautiful masterpieces take the longest time to develop. Although it's hard right now, mom said that this will give me great character and I will have lot's of confidence when I grow up. It really made me feel a whole lot better!"

Fourteen:
"Everyone thinks I'm miss perfect and I'm not!!!!"

Fifteen:

"I feel I have no control over my life and my emotions. My struggle is not with drugs or with peer pressure, but it is with myself alone. I don't know where to turn when it is my own self I am running from. How can one trust one's own thoughts when they are the center of concern and problem?"

"I love my daddy very much. That love, although it is always there, has not been the easiest to express...I wish I could take back some of the things I have said and thought. Perhaps, that is why I cannot express the love for my dad so easily. There are still so many unsaid words. I do not know if we will ever clear up some of the issues. No matter what though, I still love my daddy and respect his hard work. Let him know I will always love him very much."

Sixteen:

"What am I going to do with my life? Where are the goals I need to be working towards? How am I going to make it into a college that will feed me on wisdom and truth? Am I going to get enough on a transcript? What will my SAT score be? I need a job, I need a way to pay for education, and I need experience in the real world."

"I believe I have a distored view of my body."

"My dad will never get to see me graduate. He will never be able to say goodbye when I am left at college my first year. He won't walk me down the aisle at my wedding. My dad won't be there for my baby's birth. He won't be in our house or with our family anymore. My dad is gone forever until we meet him in Heaven. How am I supposed to live without my father?"

"My life doesn't feel normal anymore. The world I live in has turned upside down."

Seventeen:

"I can't live like this! No one should have to live like this! A family is meant to have a dad."

"Is it wrong to feel happiness right now? I feel like I am doing something wrong. My dad is dead and here I am having a good time. Can one be sad and happy at the same time?"

Eighteen:

"My struggles are not in vain. They will open my eyes to new found truths and strengths that I would not have seen otherwise. Yes, there are days when I hate life and hate even God. I just pray that hate will not eat me up, but have purpose."

"Today I must have cried a gallon of tears. Thought it would never stop. I begged mom to let me come home. I don't know why I am here or why I felt I needed to get away so badly..."

"I am frustrated with myself. Why must I long for the affection of a young man? Can I not just be happy to be single for a few more years?"

Nineteen:

"How do you know if you've met someone that is The One?"

"I feel like one of those pathetic puppy-love-eyed girls. How is this possible? This doesn't feel like me."

"I'm overwhelmed with sadness and such discouragement. How can I feel so very lonely and different in the midst of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? They make me feel like my passion for the Lord is unrealistic and like anyone who takes faith seriously is a fool. I am tired of being dragged down."

Twenty:

"I have never felt such a longing in my spirit and my soul to be with someone. I ache when we are not together and as soon as I say goodbye, I begin to cry. Love is such a beautiful, deep, intense thing."

"I am not lazy. I am willing to work hard. I just don't want the life sucked out of me."

Twenty-One:

"Since when did "living" mean having people step all over you, working every day, and never really enjoying the world and opportunity and beauty of life? It becomes a grind. A daily sacrifice of everything you have and everything you are. And those who cannot handle being a slave to society do not make it, it seems."

"How come You see Your children desiring, hoping, putting all their innocent trust in You, and You let them fall deeper and deeper into the darkness? How come You give promises to us, and wait ten years for anything to finally come through? How come my spirit and my flesh ache so badly because I just don't want You in my life anymore, God?"

"I wish I was anyone but myself."

Twenty-Two:

"So many promises, so many words of hope, so many dreams are destroyed each and every day. I see that more than ever. My heart doesn't know what to do."

"I have never thought about death as I do know. I think about the end of my life, and how insignificant I have become. Nothing to my name. Nothing worth praise. Nothing good enough to make a difference. Yet, I wonder if my heart will ever let go of what I know about You. I have forgotten my purpose and my meaning in life, yet You have never stopped reminding me of Yours."

"I cannot escape knowing what true love is like, and how it moves me to brighter places. It hurts me more to stop loving than to stop living. Love is all I have left to hold onto and to look unto in my deep tunnels of waste, but you know what? It is strong enough. It is compelling enough. It is worth enough."